Facebook posts by Alex Branson (2012)

A series of humorous Facebook posts made around 2012 by a mysterious figure named Alex Branson.

Transcript:

Alex
Branson wrote a recommendation for Six Flags St. Louis.

Tuesday
at 2:46pm

please do not let people in hot air balloon land
near your park and tell people they are rides and then take off w u as prisoner
in air jail for many hour

Six
Flags St. Louis

Theme Park \u00b7 Eureka, Missouri

25,312 were here. 149,044 likes

Write a
recommendation

6
people like this.

Alex Branson \u00b7 Domino's Pizza

March 26 at 11:44am

wow. delivery boy just said 'you know this pizza
is easily worth at least 55 dollars right'. i just blinked. he said 15.45. I
handed him a twenty but he refused to hand over pizza. 'the thing is, we have
been working super hard lately.' im tugging on pizza box. he starts crying. 'i
need to know that you are going to cherish this.' i let go. I get on hands and
knees and begin kissing his feet. wordlessly, he puts my XL philly cheese steak
pizza on front porch and walks away howling. he peels out in parking lot and
gives me the finger. thnak you dominos. ill never be the same

Like \u00b7 Comment

11 people like this.

Adam
Snir \u00b7 i cant read this without the word "a"

March
26 at 2:20pm

Alex Branson \u00b7 Godfather\u2019s Pizza

behind
the back of a godfathers pizza in new jersey i was walking my dog and shady man
in godfathers uniform said that he would "turn my dog into a pizza for one
hundred dollars"???????

Like \u00b7
Comment \u00b7 Yesterday at 3:52pm \u00b7

9
people like this.

Godfather's Pizza Alex, we would like to do a little more
investigating into this situation. Which location were you at in New Jersey?

10 hours ago \u00b7 Like

Alex
Branson was near Hoboken, was so full of rage i had to sit on the sybian i
borrowed from CarnalDoug for like 3 hours, not acceptable

3 hours
ago \u00b7 Like

Write a comment\u2026

Alex Branson \u00b7 Target

kind of f'ed up how i walk into a target and an
employee tells me that "the target.... its latinos. we target lations,
dude' and made gun motion w hand??? what you hate latino

Like \u00b7 Comment \u00b7 about an hour ago \u00b7

Jordan
Platt, Tim Regan and 5 others like this.

Justin A. Beastman That's straight messed up Target!!!!! WTF. you
will be hearing a lot more about this i think. Viva La Raza

about an hour ago \u00b7 Like 3

Target Hi
alex -- We take these claims very seriously. Please give us a call at
1-800-440-0680 and ask for a supervisor. Use reference # 3-798752504. We'd like
to learn more about the situation and see what we can do to help. -Sean

59
minutes ago \u00b7 Like 1

Alex
Branson i'm not even latino

24
minutes ago \u00b7 Like 3

Alex Branson \u00b7 Best Buy

dragged kicking and screaming out of indianapolis
best buy after i put in a dvd of Frasier on big screen + eat tossed salad and
scrambled eggs + write 'The Kelsey Grammar Zone' over logo??? is the
dehumanization company policy???? go to Hell

Like \u00b7 Comment \u00b7 2 hours ago \u00b7

Gretchen Cheesestains O'Neil, Alie Lynch, Alexandra
Beeton and 23 others

like this.

Best Buy
Hi Alex

I am
not sure what you are saying here. Can you please explain?

-Jesse-

2 hours
ago \u00b7 Like

Chris
Hengel ???

2 hours
ago \u00b7 Like

Alex
Branson hi jessy

i was
inhumanly removed from your store and placed on a nearby curb outside after i
tried to watch a dvd on a tv and ACCIDENTALLY smeared several tvs with egg yolk
as i searched for knobs. I was so exhausted from yells that could not stand up
for several hours and laid there in the cold

2 hours
ago \u00b7 Like 33

Matt Berghi think this guy is just spamming.

about an hour ago \u00b7 Like

Alex
Branson get out of here troll

about
an hour ago \u00b7 Like 6

Best
Buy This sounds intense... more intense than a circus!

-Jesse-

(get
it? Intense, in tents lol)

about
an hour ago \u00b7 Like 5

Matt
Bergh sorry im not a troll. But you are with a fake story like that.

about
an hour ago \u00b7 Like

Alex Branson i am not a troll. i have bed sores from the concrete and returned to
my beautiful wife wheezing and crying. YOU are the troll harassing ME for
absolutely no reason. about an hour ago \u00b7 Like 1

Gretchen
Cheesestains O'Neil It seems to me that Alex is just trying to let
the people of Best Buy know that he feels as though he was not treated with
respect. Just because he is a bit clumsy, doesn't mean he doesn't have rights.
Instead of calling it spamming, maybe you should listen to him just incase the
same happens to you in the future

Gretchen
Cheesestains O'Neil I've walked into a store with a milkshake, How
is that any different than egg salad? Why does society feel it is necessary to
judge everyone who strays from the norm?

about
an hour ago \u00b7 Like 1

Gretchen
Cheesestains O'Neil That was a dumb question, Mr. Hengel.

about
an hour ago \u00b7 Like '41

Best Buy
Alex-

IF in fact this is partially true and you have a
complaint you want filed, feel free to send us an email from your personal
account to This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. with the details and we will try and help you
out.

-Jesse-

about an hour ago \u00b7 Like

Write a comment\u2026

Alex Branson \u00b7 Aflac

do you cover insurance that covers my sides
splitting from all of your great comedy???? bug fan here

Like \u00b7 Comment \u00b7 20 hours ago

Aflac Phyllis @Alex Branson Hi, I'm Aflac Phyllis an Aflac worldwide headquarters
employee. We love our fans. We have several different insurance products. I can
have an associate contact you if you would like. I love your sense of humor and
I'm sure you meant to type BIG fan and not bug fan. It's OK we all do it\u2026

10 hours ago \u00b7 Like

Alex Branson go to hell

about a minute ago \u00b7 Like 3

Alex Branson \u00b7 Subway

dozens of hollering teens in your hoboken
location saying 'this isn't subway, sir. this is now called 'the hang zone' all
behind counter REFUSING to put ANY vegetables on my sandwich because they are
'for nerds'????

Like \u00b7 Comment \u00b7 4 minutes ago \u00b7

Alex
Branson one teen identified only as 'MegaMatt' dipped head under soda
fountain so long we thought he could die

4
minutes ago \u00b7 Like

Alex
Branson \u00b7 Olive Garden Italian Restaurant

local
beyblades tournament get crazy and the consequences of this are mosaic shards
in multiple lasagna layers??? me and my friends unearth them like hungry
geologists??? hard to not eat shards that you KNOW are dangerous because of
irresponsibly tasty marinara sauce??

Like \u00b7
Comment \u00b7 3 minutes ago

Alex
Branson \u00b7 Buffalo Wild Wings

it is
NOT that i can not find a SITTER for the guinea pig but WHY would furtive
scanning man tell Me that HE does not respect me during what was supposedly a
happy hour????

Like \u00b7
Comment \u00b7 21 minutes ago

Alex
Branson \u00b7 Godfather's Pizza

secret
employee whisper to me that hundred of powerful man cook his enemy into
pizza...... Like \u00b7 Comment \u00b7 4 seconds ago

Alex
Branson wrote a recommendation for Fazoli's.

healing
atmosphere w authentic 17th century feel (renaissance art, rampant sickness) .
gave me tiny seats for pet rats. crystal-friendly

Fazoli's

Italian
Restaurant \u00b7 Family Style Restaurant : Lexington, Kentucky

118
were here \u00b7 51,291 likes

Unlike \u00b7 Comment \u00b7 Write a recommendation \u00b7 4
hours ago

Alex
Branson \u00b7 Red Lobster

\u2193\u2193\u2193\u2193\u2193 take a
look at these fucken idiots who are dumb enough to eat food that comes from the
ocean i love to piss in \u2193\u2193\u2193\u2193\u2193\u2193\u2193

Like \u00b7
Comment \u00b7 Saturday at 5:38pm

Alex Branson \u00b7 KFC - Kentucky Fried Chicken my dad says that you are the
'official food of Incest'. confirm/deny?????

Like \u00b7 Comment \u00b7 Saturday at 5:05pm \u00b7

Alex
Branson \u00b7 Pizza Hut

on the
phone very rude man said that calzones are just 'fucked up pizzas' and that i
must be a 'dickless freak', when i got calzone is was just a pizza with
'calzone' spelled onto it with pepperoni

Like \u00b7
Comment \u00b7 Saturday at 5:02pm \u00b7

Alex
Nichols and 3 others like this.

Nikole
Nikki Salisbury Nelson What? A pizza hut sent you a pizza like that?
really? insane.

Saturday
at 5:56pm \u00b7 Like

Pizza
Hut Alex, this is unacceptable ! We're sorry for the experience. Thank
You for your feedback. Please go to
https://nco-case-manager-ph.secure.force.com/findstore with the store location,
your contact information, your name, and any other details. We will follow up
with the store to resolve the issue.

Yesterday
at 1:10pm \u00b7 Like

Alex
Branson many days of weird cryning. I call the number on your website and am
immediately taunted by several teenagers about the size and girth of my
diaper???? i am a full grown man and it isnt funny

40
minutes ago \u00b7 Like 1

Alex
Nichols NEVER EATING PIZA HUT AGAIN

Alex Branson \u00b7 Cici's Pizza

the question is not: can i bring a dog into
cici's but it is HOW MANY dogs can i bring into cicis??? i have a aura of
control that dogs respect and they will behave (dozens???? hundreds????)

Like \u00b7 Comment \u00b7 Saturday at 5:55pm \u00b7

Alex Branson wrote

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