Trapped In A Large Box Filled With Spiders

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You know... I've learned a lot about myself, and my behaviors, and instincts to avoid stress through the years. Stress found me anyway, even if I were to crawl into a dark cave and disconnect completely, stress would find me. I suppose many people thru the years have said I was weird or crazy. For being drastic. I guess if you know me you know what I mean. Sorry, everybody. But get this. Last year (in 2015) I was diagnosed with "IPP" - Idiopathic Progressive Polyneuropathy. The IPP acronym makes me giggle. Anyway, that can include other conditions (such as ms, which I'm not willing to endure another lumbar puncture to confirm), and is often a result of some previous "event", such as my seizures/encephalitis/West Nile virus ordeal in 2006.

Why am I saying all is? Because as time goes by and I understand more and more, the puzzle pieces fall into place one by one, I realize, I have had this brewing within me all this time, these strangely wired nerves and this unique nervous system. I realize that I thought it was normal to feel the way I did thru the years. That uphill feeling, that overwhelmed feeling. Now I know, it wasn't my fault, I wasn't weak minded, and there has been a reason why I pulled away from people. Something was wrong and I didn't know it.

I still avoid the phone.

I still can't check "inboxes".

Comments go unread, but I keep on trucking, only God knows why.

People are wonderful. Interacting socially with them, however, makes me feel...well...uncertain.

I don't know why I'm so apologetic. Truth be told, many a man has mistreated me, many a friend has betrayed me, and many a loved one has harmed me. I may be misunderstood, but just know, I'm in God's hands. He understands. That's all I need.
Love,
A.

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