Inconceivable

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\ud83c\udf77"Inconceivable!!!"\ud83c\udf77

by: Wes Robert Ward

(A parody between The Princess Bride and Columbo: Any Old Port in a Storm\u2026 among other characters from other Columbo episodes... and Halloween, the horror series.)

Columbo has come upon Adrian Carsini at an indoor table at a bistro cafe holding Mrs Peck hostage with a dagger at her throat.

"He didn't fall down that hill again? Inconceivable!!!"

"No sir," Columbo walks up to him slowly, being careful, also noting that Mrs Peck looked very irritated, mumbling something about missing an episode of General Hospital.

Adrian Carsini replies, "I can not compete with you physically, and you're no match for my brains."

Columbo was intrigued, "You're that smart?"

Adrian Carsini says, "Let me put it this way: Have you ever heard of Plato? Aristotle? Socrates?"

Columbo nods, "Yes."

Adrian Carsini replies, "Morons!!!"

Columbo says, "Really?"

Adrian Carsini nods.

Columbo replies, "In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits."

Adrian Carsini says, "For Mrs Peck?"

Columbo hesitates, "Uh sure, I guess we'll go with that."

Adrian Carsini grins, "To the death?"

Columbo nods again.

Adrian Carsini replies, "I accept."

Carsini re-sheathes his dagger.

Columbo says, "Good, then pour the wine."

Adrian Carsini pours the wine.

Columbo pulls out a small vial and replies, "Oh, just one more thing\u2026 inhale this, but do not touch."

Adrian Carsini sniffs, "I smell nothing."

Columbo says, "What you do not smell is called iocane powder. It is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is among the more deadly poisons known to man."

"Sounds like Vivian Dimitri on a Saturday night."

Columbo puts the goblets behind his back and, presumably, adds the poison to one of them, then sets them down in front of him.

Columbo replies, "All right. Where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right... and who is dead."

Adrian Carsini rolls his eyes, "But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you: are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool. You would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me."

Columbo asks, "You've made your decision then?"

Adrian Carsini replies, "Not remotely! Because iocane comes from Australia, as everyone knows! And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you."

Columbo smiles, "Truly, you have a dizzying intellect\u2026 the Sigma Society has two new openings, but you have to sing some silly song called Boo-Hoo to get in."

Adrian Carsini huffs, "Wait till I get going! Now, where was I?"

Columbo says one word, "Australia."

Adrian Carsini nods, "Yes, Australia. And you must have suspected I would have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me."

Columbo states, "You're just stalling now."

Adrian Carsini cries out, "You'd like to think that, wouldn't you?! You've beaten my giant Graham McVeigh who got off his barstool to wrestle, which means you're exceptionally strong, so you could've put the poison in your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you! But, you've also bested my Spaniard Luis Montoya the Bullfighter, which means you must have studied, and in studying you must have learned that man is mortal, so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me!!!"

Columbo says, "You're trying to trick me into giving away something. It won't work."

Adrian Carsini laughs, "It has worked! You've given everything away! I know where the poison is!"

Columbo makes a gesture, "Then make your choice."

Adrian Carsini nervously replies, "I will, and I choose- [stops] What in the world can that be?"

Adrian Carsini points at another table behind Columbo.

Columbo replies, "What? Where?"

When he turns to look, Adrian Carsini swaps the goblets.

Columbo says, "I don't see anything."

Adrian Carsini replies nervously, "Well, I- I could have sworn I saw something. No matter."

He is having a hard time containing his laughter as Columbo turns back to look at him.

Columbo suspiciously asks, "What's so funny?"

Adrian Carsini says quickly, "I--I'll tell you in a minute. First, let's drink. Me from my glass, and you from yours."

They drink from their goblets.

Columbo smirks, "You guessed wrong."

Adrian Carsini laughs, "You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha, you fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous of which is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well-known is this: Never go in against a Sicilian when DEATH is on the line!!!"

"Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha\u2026..," He laughs hysterically, but suddenly freezes mid-laugh and presumably dies. Columbo removes Mrs Peck's blindfold.

Mrs Peck cries out, "Who are you? Oh, it's you\u2026 where's my television set? You better have not broken it again."

Columbo replies, "I said I was sorry already, geeze give it a rest. Besides, you're safe now."

Mrs Peck gasps, "And to think, all that time it was your wine that was poisoned."

Columbo says, "They were both poisoned. I spent the last 20 years building up an immunity to iocane powder\u2026 drinking stale black coffee on the job will do that."

Mrs Peck looks down, "Is he really dead?"

Columbo pulls out a donut, "No, he polished off nine bottles of wine before we started, enough to cause an antidote. You see, it's a little known fact that Sicilians are born drunk, but when he wakes up he'll have a hangover from here to Halloween."

The Tough Waitress comes by and confiscates Columbo's donut again, holding it in front of his face like a rude gesture, "What did I tell you before about bringing in outside food? Nope, not going to happen, not on my watch, understand? Capish? Now what do you want?"

Columbo looks at the menu, "Oh, uh, um, hmm, let's see... I'll have a donut."

The Tough Waitress walks away huffing with annoyance as she points at the bald little man on the floor, "Your mess, not mine. I have enough problems with my brother Michael."

\ud83c\udf77The End.\ud83c\udf77

(Note: Must be a Columbo, Princess Bride, and Halloween fan to understand all the characters and other story lines.) \ud83d\udeac\u2615

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