Spaceman Quackenbush

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"Spaceman Quackenbush"

by: Wes Robert Ward

In the year of 1890 in Liverpool, England was a very wealthy young man by the name of Sir Edward Quackenbush, the third. His father was Lord Edward Quackenbush, the second. And his grandfather was the famous Duke Edward Quackenbush, the first.

One Autumn day in October, Sir Edward, the younger one was thought to be mentally insane because he wanted to build a wooden rocket ship to the moon.

Yes, he said it would be the exploration of a lifetime, bigger than trying to climb Mount Everest. Bigger than sailing the seven deadly seas. Bigger than anything ever accomplished.

One gentlemen replied, "Yes, but we can see Everest and touch it. Unlike the moon, my dear Quackenbush it is not within our grasp."

Sir Edward noted, "Ahhh, but you are so wrong, my friend. For it is only a few miles away. Just a jump and a skip. It's about the same distance from London to Bombay."

The man declared, "If that be so, Quackenbush, then I'll be the biggest jackass of all of England."

And Sir Edward pointed at him, "Prepare to eat oats, my good man."

And so on a cold day in December, Sir Edward started building his giant wooden rocketship to the moon. By the time it was finished during the next December of 1891 it was 450 feet or a little more than 137 meters in length.

It was made out of the hardest wood in the world, Australian Buloke. An ironwood tree that is native to Australia, this wood comes from a species of tree occurring across most of Eastern and Southern Australia. Known as the hardest wood in the world, this particular type has a Janka hardness of 5,060 lbf.

Sir Edward also had a steam engine rocket booster put underneath the wooden rocket ship. The area around the rocket itself was covered by a copper plating. After he had the whole wooden rocket ship covered in a thin tar. He noted that it was only for a protective reason and that it had nothing to do with air supply. He said once he had arrived on the moon there would be plenty of air up there.

Inside the wooden rocket ship were all type of nifty little gadgets to start the steam engine which had another instrument down below to chuck coal into the furnace.

Finally came the day when Sir Edward Quackenbush, the third, would become Spaceman Quackenbush!!! Ooh-aah.

People were excited, everybody gathered about in the city park of Liverpool to watch the first man, the first man from England that is to launch himself into outer space and to the moon. Mostly everybody wanted to know if it was really made of cheese and if it's true that midgets and dwarves were aliens from another world.

Sir Edward climbed the steel ladder to the cockpit of his rocket ship, but before he climbed in he said to the people, "Friends, people of Liverpool lend me your ears, this is just one tiny step for a gentleman such as myself, yet it will be one humongous jump for the human race. Here I stand before you as just a man wearing a suit and tie, but before this day is over, I, Sir Edward Quackenbush, the third, shall stand on the moon and put our English flag on it's surface. Today it is just a moon nothing less nothing more, but by the end of the day it shall be British soil."

And the people rejoiced and applauded such a hero as their Spaceman Quackenbush.

Sir Edward cried out, "Cheerio!!!" Then climbed into the cockpit, started the engine. Slowly and precisely he revved up the steam engine until it came to a complete boil\u2026 and then he brought down the thruster level.

The wooden rocket ship exploded into tiny bits sending thousands of little tiny slivers into all the people who screamed out in agony. Thankfully no one was seriously hurt, well just almost. Many were hospitalized for weeks on end, doctors and nurses had to remove many slivers of wood.

The Quackenbush estate were sent an astounding hospital bill and also did many settlements for the people hurt in the incident.

Sadly many had thought Sir Edward Quackenbush, the third, had died that day, but the wooden cockpit that he was in was blown sky high almost into the atmosphere. It flew for miles on end then fell down into a Scottish lake.

Sir Edward swam out of what was left of his wooden cockpit, slightly burnt with slivers here and there from his wooden rocket ship and swam to shore only to find an old Scotsman wearing his traditional kilt and smoking a pipe.

"Aye Laddie, and where did ye come from? Outer space?"

"Liverpool, actually."

"Ack," said the Scotsman, "The bloody moon is better. Liverpool sucks arse. Come, I'll treat you to a pint of ale."

And Sir Edward did just that, the one thing the English and Scottish, or for that matter even the Irish did that made sense\u2026 was keep drinking until you pass out. Become so drunk you didn't need to see little green beings from another world because you'd start to see them at the bottom of the mug.

Sadly, Sir Edward never made it to the moon that day but it never got him down even when he passed people on the street who raised their nose to him or even kids that chanted, "Quackenbush, Quackenbush, shot to the moon on his tush, sad to say, he didn't get that far, and ended up in a Scottish bar!!!"

And as Edward Quackenbush, the fourth, was asked by a reporter on the children's playground one day what he wanted to be when he grew up, little Eddie said, "I'm going to be a Spaceman like my Daddy, but I'm not going to the moon\u2026 I'm going to Mars!!!"

Oh dear, well you know what they say. 'A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. And if one starts to quack you better stand back.'

The End. \ud83d\ude80

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