Bill Versus The Grim Reaper

"Bill Versus The Grim Reaper"

by: Wes Robert Ward

Bill Johnson was kind of your ordinary type of guy, a run of the mill type of man who lived the way he liked it. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week he kept himself busy as a Janitor Custodian at the Richard Nixon High School in San Diego, California.

It wasn't a bad job, but it wasn't easy either. No not one bit I must say. Bill always had to clean up the mess of all the Teenagers that went there. Whether it was a food fight in the cafeteria or a bloody fist fight in the gym because two idiots had to fight over the basketball. Each day it was always something, but the worst was cleaning the chewed up gum and boogers underneath the student desks. He always swore that's where most of their education went.

And as Bill stood in the hallway by the lockers during the 5th period classes with his mop and roll away bucket he sometimes wished for a better life, maybe a sunny beach away from irritating kids, sitting on the warm sand with a cold corona beer in his hand watching all the half-clad women in colorful string bikinis bouncing up and down the beach chasing a beach ball or volley ball, and winking at Bill because they thought he was the sexiest man alive. Mmm, that would be something indeed Bill had thought especially the beer which he could drink right about now...

"Hey Mister, I barfed in the boy's bathroom all over the sink. It's all yours, man, but be careful because it's still hot meatloaf from lunch time."

"Son of a..." Bill muttered as he rolled his mop and bucket to the boy's restroom. As he passed the Nerd he also muttered, "...don't fall underneath the school bus as you leave."

"What ya say?" said the Nerd.

Bill didn't give him a reply as he pushed his mop and bucket into the boy's restroom and cussed to hell and back as he saw the mess, "Lord help me, he must of puked up his heart and lungs too\u2026 son of a\u2026"

Bill went back out the door to make the Nerd clean it up but the little bastard was long gone. He swung the door shut behind him as he went back to the mess and grumbled, "Revenge of the Nerds, my ass. I see Mister Pocket Protector again I'll make him re-eat this crap he left for me."

Oh, and did I mention Bill hated his job? No, must of slipped my mind. Who am I you say? This mysterious voice you hear as you read Bill's story on vomit cuisine. So sorry, let me introduce myself\u2026 my name is Death. Yes, the Death. The Taker of Souls to Heaven, Hell, or the Bermuda Triangle, or what you will. The Grim Reaper, Grim's the name and Death is my game. I'm also the greatest chess player this side of Dixie, but that's another story.

This story is about Bill. Kill Bill? Me? Not me, but whoever we will see. I love that movie, Uma Thurman gives me a boner, literally.

Oh yeah, back to the story and guys get your head out of the gutter thinking about Beatrix Kiddo in that tight yellow jumpsuit with sword in hand\u2026.

As Bill was cleaning up the mess and muttering to himself, he didn't notice right away the black mist forming in the corner of the restroom by the paper towel holder, but when he realized it he fearfully saw a black robed figure form before his eyes.

The figure wore a misty black robe, but what freaked out Bill was that he had skeleton hands underneath the black sleeves and within the black robed hood was a skeleton face, grinning from ear to ear.

Behold beautiful me, readers. I'm kind of a sexy version of Brad Pitt, but in skeleton form.

"Sweat merciful heaven!!!" Bill gasped and cried as he fell back towards the toilet stalls, "Who or what the hell are you? This some sort of school prank because I'm not laughing?"

Death\u2026 yours truly, your wonderful Narrator in all this spoke, "Bill Johnson, I have come for you!!!" and yeah, laughing out loud to myself, I jabbed my boney finger in his direction and old Bill did more in his pants than what that Nerd did on the sink.

"Da..da..da..DEATH???" Bill stuttered and gasped, "You're actually him? It's not my time, I swear. I..I..I..I still got things to do and places to see. Please, especially with Jessie Lee this weekend at Bubba Watkins Bar & Grill\u2026 she's gonna show me how she opens a beer bottle with her tongue\u2026 ya can't do this to me, man!!!"

"Relax," said the Grim Reaper as he leaned against the clean sink away from the nasty one and held his sickle upright, "Take it easy, Bill, and relax. I'm not here to take away your soul and take it to the great beyond\u2026"

"Whew, well that's a relief." Bill relaxed.

"...well not yet."

"Whatta ya mean not yet?" Bill spat out, "If you're not here to take me away then what are ya here for? Am I going to die soon?"

The Grim Reaper waved his boney hand, "Am I gonna die soon? Am I gonna die soon? Don't whine like a bitch, Bill. It's pathetic and beneath you. Be a man or mortal or whatever God created you to be and have courage. I swear it's like JFK all over again. Told Johnny it's either the bullet or venereal disease, I was impressed\u2026 he took the bullet."

Bill stood up and replied madly, "Well, if you're not here to take my soul then what the bleeding heck are you here for?"

The Grim Reaper once more pointed his boney finger at Bill and said in a dark disturbing voice, "To warn you, Bill Johnson, of a fate worse than death itself."

Bill gulped, "What's worse than death itself?"

The Grim Reaper laughed as he lowered his boney finger, "Just joking with ya Bill, it is death unless you want IRS on your ass. And believe me they can cross over to my side, been audited twice. Had to sell the death mobile to make end's meet. Man, it was a beauty like Adam West's batmobile but mine had blades on the side to cut people in half."

"Hell no, I don't want IRS, and keep your bloody batmobile away from me," Bill said, then asked, "What's this warning? When does Death actually warn people of their doom?"

"Rarely," said the Grim Reaper, "For example, last one I did was the Titanic in 1912. One of the many reasons why you never heard about the Eskimos surviving on the Glacier because I warned them not to take that voyage\u2026 so they stayed home and ate some penguin or whatever nasty thing they eat."

Bill was afraid to ask but he had to ask, "When do I die?"

The Grim Reaper said, "Any time between now when you leave this fabulous barf-filled boy's room to about the age of 100 years old."

"Can you pinpoint it sometime before the turn of the freaking century!!!" cried Bill, worried and irritated.

"Hard to tell, Bill." said the Grim Reaper as he walked before him with black mist forming all around, "You're a hard one to figure out, kind of like Jim Morrison of 'The Doors'. Alas poor soul, I do not know when you die, but I can tell you how you die."

Ahh man, so priceless, you should of saw Bill's face with all those fearful emotions perplexing his noggin. Laughing out loud, I have to tell you\u2026 no one wants to know how they die even me. Yes, even I was mortal at one time before becoming the sexiest Grim Reaper ever especially one that wears a thong\u2026 but back to Bill. Oh, and a boulder fell on me, stupid dinosaur tail.

Bill gulped, "How do I die? Heart attack? Plane crash? Drowning? What?"

"Naw," said the Grim Reaper with a wide-ass grin, "You wish, those are way easy compared the way you go."

Bill was sweating real hard and gulped dryly, "How do I go?"

The Grim Reaper waved his boney hand about, "Eh, the usual Lizzy Borden thing. Somebody takes an axe to you\u2026 so boring. More than forty whacks, say about 300 times. It takes like half an hour for you to die because that person whether it's family, friend, stranger, baby, child, kid, teenager, or adult, old or aging\u2026 first takes your left then right leg, then arms one at a time, then one to the crotch which I gotta tell ya, Bill, that's gonna hurt like a bitch, and then eventually your head what's left of it. Old William Wallace had it easier, but man does the blood spray. Say goodbye to your white kitchen, even Mr Clean will say screw it and go get a bottle of Jack Daniels instead."

Bill cried out with fright, "Oh no, say it isn't so!!! When??? Ya gotta tell me when so I can avoid it?"

The Grim Reaper shrugs, "Who knows, don't worry about it, mate. I'll be there to pick you up piece by piece, probably use a wheelbarrow because ooh boy do you piss off the wrong person. Jay-walking related who knows, it could also be the paperboy you threw a brick at."

Bill says, "Pa..pa..please tell me."

The Grim Reaper pats Bill on the back like a real good buddy does and says, "Ahh, forget about it, pal of mine. Hey, how about right now I treat you to a McDonald's Big Mac, and maybe a Happy Meal\u2026 come on Bill, I know there's a little boy still inside you that would like a Happy Meal."

Bill stuttered out as he watched Death about to walk out, "But...but...but...but\u2026"

The Grim Reaper said as he walked out holding the door open, "No buts, Bill. I want French Fries and don't freak out when I splatter them with ketchup."

The End.