Rhino In A Garbage Truck

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Earl ignored them and finally got the 911 operator, "Finally."

"911, what is your emergency?"

Earl got right to the point, "Yeah 911, I got a Rhino in my garbage truck."

"Excuse me?" cried the 911 operator, apparently not awake before her morning coffee.

Earl said, "That's right I got a Rhino in my garbage truck and it's making holes in it from the inside."

The 911 operator yawned, "Sir, it is too early to pull crank calls on the police department. This is a serious offense and\u2026"

Earl yelled into the phone as another wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am came from the back, "This ain't no crank call, missy!!! I'm as serious as cheese on bread, woman!!! You hear that racket? Me and two other garbage collectors are over by Bubba's Bar & Grill and I ain't kidding, little lady. I got a Rhino in my garbage truck."

Cletus nodded, "Yeah, you tell her, Earl. It's not no Rancor."

Zeke nodded, "And it sure ain't a Giraffe cause it's head would be sticking out right now."

"Shut it!!!" Earl spat at them both then said to the 911 operator, "Send the police, send the army, send animal control more than anything. You got that, honey?"

The 911 operator said, "Yes sir, and I sure hope you're kidding and drunk. I'll do the strip search myself with extra gloves."

Earl hung up and tossed his vodka in the glove department box of the garbage truck dashboard, "I got me enough trouble as is, like I really want the police around after my DUI last month. Bastard Rhino."

Earl jumped out and noticed the hole getting bigger, "Sweet mother of Jesus, look at my Gladys. Mongrel if I had me a shotgun\u2026"

"... you'd shoot yourself in the foot," Zeke finished, "Hunting isn't your strongest point, Earl. Unless they be Mexican whores in El Paso."

Earl pointed at him, "And what the heck am I gonna tell Dick Haney?"

Dick Haney was Earl's supervisor and their main boss at the moment, and yeah Dick was a major dick.

Zeke replied, "Tell him the truth. Cops will back up your story. If not, well\u2026 blame it on a minority. Illegal immigrant or racial, it's all good."

Earl grumbled, "Haney is a bastard."

"You know, I know it, we all know it."

'CRASH!!!' came a loud crash from the garbage truck and the hole got so big that now the Rhino popped his head out and groaned like the big beast he was.

Earl sarcastically cried as he held his hand out to the big gray Rhino head with his tongue hanging out, "Well it's a Rhino alright. You lousy son of a bitch, I'm so gonna kick Bubba's butt on this. He must of replaced his pitbull with a bigger pitbull from Africa."

Zeke smiled at the big gray Rhino head as he noticed him taking a big snort of air, "I know what you mean, Rhino. I gasp for air too every time I clean out that sucker too."

Cletus nodded as he waved his hands about like a film director, "It's so beautiful like a piece of gorgeous art like the Mona Lisa. It's like that magical moment in childbirth as the momma garbage truck gives birth to a baby Rhinoceros."

Earl looks at both of them and says, "Something tells me, you two never graduated high school."

Eventually the police showed up and they couldn't believe it themselves. They called animal control and the expert said he mostly deals with local animals, not thick skinned Africa beasts with hard flesh not very easy to penetrate with a hypodermic syringe filled with a sleeping sedative to put the beast to sleep to transport safely.

Earl, Zeke, and Cletus all sat on full trash cans nearby as the police and animal control talked it out about what they need to do about this problem.

Earl lit a cigarette and took a puff, "Look at them, like Ants thinking about how to handle the Anteater."

Zeke said as he pointed at the panting Rhino head, "That's a Rhino, Earl. That ain't no Anteater. Does Rhinos eat Ants? What do Rhinos eat by the way? Trash? I guess if Polar Bears can do it, I guess Rhinos can too."

Earl sighed, "I was being literal, idiot. Sometimes I wish I could of been something more than a Garbage Man. I waste half my life with garbage. Is that all I got left? Just garbage?"

Cletus said, "You got us, Earl."

Zeke nodded, "Yep, for the rest of your life, Earl. You're like the father figure we never had. The Dad we look up too. The Dad that cusses us out and beats us with a belt. The mentally abusive love you show us makes us both realize why children run away from home."

Earl started to cry then said, "For the rest of my life? The way you put it makes me want to abandon both of you at the Grand Canyon and keep driving to Las Vegas."

The Police Sergeant cried out, "Whatta ya mean somebody's gotta give the Rhino a giant sedative pill orally or anally?"

The Animal Control Guy said, "It's the only way. Somebody has to climb into the top hatch, jump down into the trash compactor, and I doubt the Rhino will take it orally. That means somebody has to shove that pill up it's\u2026"

Zeke laughed, "Superman where are you!!!"

The Animal Control Guy ignored the skinny garbage man and pointed at the Sergeant, "And I'm not doing it. I'll deal with dogs, I'll deal with Bulls or even wild cats, but Rhinos are not on my list. This is a job for the police department."

The Police Sergeant pointed his finger at the Animal Control Guy, "Like bloody hell it is. The day when I have to shove a sedative up some beast's backend is the day I do it to my own mother-in-law."

Earl flicked his cigarette and said, "What the hell, you only live twice."

Earl got up and walked over to them and held out his hand, "Give me the butt pill. I'll shove it so far up it's ass that I'll have myself an African experience bigger than Stanley Livingston did."

The Animal Control Guy gave him the pill which was about the size of Wilt Chamberlain's foot, "Good luck and goodbye."

The Police Sergeant replied, "You sure about this, buddy? I can smell the booze on your lips, but I'll give you mine if it helps."

Earl nodded, "Just call me Braveheart."

Zeke and Cletus stood behind him and felt such pride and honor to know such a hero as Earl Haggin.

Zeke said, "Think of the butt pill as your Excalibur, Earl. And think of that Rhino butt as the hole that the Excalibur butt pill needs to go back into the stone."

Cletus nodded, "It would be an honor to shake your hand, Earl."

Earl shook his hand and said, "Take care of Gladys if I don't come back alive."

Zeke snapped his fingers, "I will screw your wife tonight, Earl."

Earl yelled, "I meant the garbage truck, ya dumb shit!!!"

And with that said they all saluted such a man who could possibly face death in a few minutes. Earl climbed up on top of the garbage truck and opened a small hatch above, then looked down into the dark hole of the trash compactor. He could see a little of the Rhino moving around in the small area it was in.

Earl looked at the others one last time then jumped in. What came afterwards from inside was complete and utter carnage and mayhem.

Zeke, Cletus, the Animal Control Guy, and all of the police there watched as the garbage truck bounced. Giant holes developed all over the garbage truck sides and giants groans and roars of the Rhino and Earl screaming was heard all over the neighborhood.

One in particular of Earl crying out in pain, "STAY STILL, YA MONGREL!!! I'M ONLY ELBOW DEEP!!!"

Soon after it all stopped suddenly as one giant thud came from the garbage truck. It was all quiet again, no noise came from the garbage truck.

Zeke and Cletus took off their hats in deep respect to a hero who risked his life to save all of them\u2026 by shoving a sedative up a Rhino's butt. Everybody removed their own hats almost in the same way.

Zeke said, "Earl Haggin, I believe he was sent by God like Moses up the mountain to bring us the holy word of the Lord who told our friend what he must do. You see Noah probably had to do the same thing on the Ark, and that old man had two Rhinos. Earl's ark was his garbage truck. If there be an Angel in Heaven right now with Rhino feces from arm to wing, it be Earl Haggin."

"Amen," cried Cletus with tears in his eyes.

The Police Sergeant looked at them both, "Seriously? I'd ask for both of you for identification, but I'd be afraid you're both legal citizens I can't deport."

Just then the back end of the garbage truck opened and everybody raced to see what was coming out, not thinking it could be the Rhino that might trample them all.

Through the dark haze inside was Earl Haggin, bloody, bruised and covered in Rhino feces from right arm to shoulder. Behind him was the biggest dang Rhino ever, sound asleep and snoring like a baby.

Earl Haggin jumped down and said, "Get this hard bastard out my garbage truck and back to Africa or wherever."

Zeke and Cletus smiled and were happy their friend was alive, but held their nose because Earl stank more than the garbage truck.

And Earl pointed at the Police Sergeant with his nasty shit stained right arm, "Going to go have a drink, understand. Get so drunk and disordered then afterwards might piss and shit on a police cruiser. You got a problem with that?"

The Police Sergeant held up his hands in surrender, "Uh, no, no problem, sir "

Earl walked away towards Bubba's Bar & Grill that was opening up, "Come on, Moron and Dipshit, I'm buying."

Zeke and Cletus followed Earl as if he was their Jedi Master and they were his Padawans in Jedi Training.