The Patrol of the Purple Clan

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All the maroons think cell phones are a recent
invention....Of course, in spite of that ignorance - we know
they go back a long way......How about God talking to Moses
right out of the clouds? Or God writing messages on stone
tablets with his finger?....Not bad, you must admit!! Or
how about Egyptian Pharohs who had miniature tranducers implanted
in their front teeth so that generals could communicate with
them during battles? Somehow, the transducers electrically stimu-
lated the taste buds to send incoded messages to the brain. At
first, I was skeptical about that one until I saw it reported in
The Inquirer, so I know it must be true.

But, best of all is what I just read in the July 7,
1937 issue of:

"G-8 and his Battle Aces!!!"

Hear sudden rise in exciting music!!!

This authentic reporter of true events was among 100's that
graced news stands during the 1930's and '40's to satiate the
thirst for adventure of tens of millions of readers, who would
lay out $.10 for the monthly issues of pulp magazines with their
lurid (but desirable!) covers printed on cheap paper (so what?)
and far fetched (but absolutely true!!) escapades of superhuman
ADVENTURERS!!! YES!!!

Among them was the greatest of all adventurers of World War l
fighting against the Hun Hordes, spilling across Europe in the
latest of their Teutonic Migrations!!! Wow!!! Let me read some
of this great literature in relief from a steady diet of the pap
foisted on innocent youths by diabolical, English teachers!!!
Yes!!! What a Tremendous Guy!! None other than the greatest of
all Counter Intelligence Agents...But, G-8, with his side kicks
Bull and Nippy, as they soared over France in biplane dog
fights against the fiendish enemy!!! Wow!!! Could James Joyce
fly a plane? Could he pass a vision test? Could he leap tall
buildings with a single bound? Well, G-8 never did that either,
but I bet he could jump pretty high!!!

The adventure I have in mind is:

"The Patrol of the Purple Clan!!!"

Here, the adventure begins when a French scientist invents a
colorful explosive which will destroy everything within a quarter
of a mile!!! His dirty rat assistant kills him and steals the
formula, only to give it to the Huns!! What the????

G-8 investigates, only to be tricked by a French official into
spying on a specially garbed, German espionage unit called the
Purple Klan. G-8 encountered some of these thugs in a air battle,
where he saw that they wore Bell shaped, steel helmets, and purple
cloaks, and referred to one another by number only!!! Pretty
sinister, if I do say so!!!

Now, the Frenchman leads G-8 to an underground sewer which after
quite a walk leads to the remains of the original Bastille!! G-8
is captured, and handcuffed to some of the original wall rings
to which prisoners of old were secured. Subsequently, many
British, French, and American officials are brought in until the
place is crowded. Then each one is nailed into a coffin to be
transported to Germany to be interrogated by G-8's Arch Enemy,

"Herr Stahlmaske!!!

Stahlmaske hates G-8 because he was shot down in a air battle,
crashed in flames, and was horribly disfigured. Serves the Dirty
Bugger right!! He was already pretty ugly.

G-8 and the others are nailed into coffins!! (no less) and trans-
potred to a departure site. They are roped securely, gagged, and
see and breathe only through small ventilating holes.

At the landing sight of the dirigible, some French army officers
see the coffins on the ground, and demand that they be buried
immediately. G-8 and the others are buried for about a day, and
survive by "breathing very slowly," in the manner of Houdini, I
guess. How clever is that?

Then G-8 and the others are dug up and trasported to Wiesbaden
in Germany, close to some volcanic springs. Very convenient
when they are brought before Herr Maske, wearing his mask with
a slant like peep hole, and another further down where he rotten
teeth can be observed (I bet his was afraid to go to the dentist,
the coward!!!)

Maske offers G-8 a bribe of $1,000,000 to join the Purple Klan.
G-8 refuses because he has a "conscience" At first I thought
it was a kind of super weapon, but no.....Just an old fashioned,
philosohical quibble.

Maske sentances G-8 to be placed in a room with the other agents
who refused, and after an agonizing wait, the floor of the cell
would open, and everyone would slide down a greased slant into
a 50 foot pool of boiling, natural sulfuric acid, bubbling up
from within the earth.

Now!!! The Whole reason for the review!!

TAAAADAAAA!!. One page 44 of the very issue in question... G-8
reaches down, and I quote the immortal words of Robert J. Hogan
as told to him by G-8, himself (Scout's Honor):

"From a secret hiding place on the inside of his right leg,
he took out a tiny, wireless set and opened the lid. (OOOOO!!)
Men of the Intelligence stared in amazement as he threw the
switch and began tapping out a message in secret code only
he and Nippy and Bull knew....."

Forget about STAR TREK, I bet Steve Jobs got his inspiration for
the the cell phone, from the one and only:

G-8!!!!!

Well, there it is!! I'll bet you were amazed!!! GAD!!

Oh! And by the way, G-8 must have a bladder and bowels of steel!!!

Anyone with a thirst for ADVENTURE out there? This is the quencher!!

"Your Old Buddy,

Whizbang!!"

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