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Blondie Has A Gun

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"Blondie Has A Gun"

by: Wes Robert Ward


"Blondie has a gun!!!" screamed the Bouncer at Club 86 before getting his head blown off by a remodeled .44 magnum silver revolver.


The Bouncer's head exploded in a burst of blood and gore all over the front entrance way.


People started screaming when they saw the cold blooded masked female psychopath called Blondie enter the club. Her usual attire was a purple suit with yellow tie, black gloves, and her breathing mask that resembled an old gas mask from World War 2, but it helped her breathe oxygen in a high density due to her damaged lungs from a sledgehammer from an ex-husband.


Ex-husband happened to be her first kill with a chainsaw, but that's another gruesome story that should be told later.


Blondie (real name was Jessie Lee) survived apparently and created a new life for herself because she got a thrill in killing her ex-husband. She quit her job as a waitress at a local pub, walked over to Ken Rickby's gun shop and bought a few guns, her favorite was the one she used to blow the Bouncer's head off.


Blondie decided to become a psychopath, actually she was already one it just wasn't brought out just yet.


Where were the police to arrest her? It being the 3rd apocalypse this year, the city of New York was failing in keeping up with police procedures. In fact they were coming back real fine, they had a few good officers when suddenly on a Monday morning, Blondie came in through the front entrance and started killing them left and right. It was one hell of a gun battle with police, detectives, cadets, and their police Captain who tried hard to bring her down, but in the end they all died in a blood-filled gore fest. The Captain was last and Blondie had run out of bullets so she used his letter opener on his face and skull. Before she left she wrote on a blank wall with their blood, "Bugs Bunny Did It."


Blondie was one violent psychotic mentally disturbed bitch. One idiot wanted to date her and took her out to the local bowling alley. She used his head as a bowling ball. While grocery shopping, Blondie liked to stab little old people in the back. Children were off her kill list until they became 18 then bam she'd blow their brains out at their birthday party.


The ones who ruled New York during these traumatic times was the Mafia. Not your average old style mafia, but slicked black haired Italians with tattoos up to their necks.


Godfather Vito Giovanni declared open season hunting on Blondie after she gunned down his son in a drive-by while he was jogging.


Over a hundred went after her. Blondie wasted them all including the Godfather with two sharp pencils up both nostrils into the brain.


Blondie likes to sit by the bay of the New York Harbor overlooking the headless body of the Statue of Liberty. Liberty had lost her head many decades ago when a mad man held himself up in her head and blew himself up with her head with enough C4 to well\u2026 blow up a head.


A Pelican lands near her and she says in her gas mask, "Hey Dan, what's up?"


The Pelican coughs up a flopping fish near her and does a few bird noises.


"Nice," Blondie smiles, "You always bring a lady take out food on a date? Such a charmer you are. Keep it up and I might marry you someday. I wonder what Pelican penis feels like?"


A Fisherman walks up to her and says, "Any fish biting this morning?"


Blondie pulls her gun, kneecaps him fast as lightning making him scream in agonizing pain, then she blew his forehead off with the third bullet. He dropped dead on the pier, blood spilling all over the place.


The Pelican must of been deaf or something because all that mattered was his fish he was eating at the time in one gulp.


"Sorry about that," Blondie said as she put her gun back into her shoulder harness inside her purple suit, "I hate it when people interrupt such a lovely date with a Pelican."


The Pelican flapped his wings and haggled with glee.


Blondie smiled as she watched the sunset, "Oh Dan, these special moments we have will be in my heart forever. What will tomorrow bring for us, you say? Perhaps half breed Pelican Human babies, who knows. All I know is that I've got to shove my .44 magnum up a Midget's ass tomorrow, but I won't go into those gory details with you, Dan."


And with that Blondie sat on the pier with Dan the Pelican by her side. She may have been a Psychopath and a Deranged Killer, but she loved Dan the Pelican, except for his cousin\u2026 Larry the Seagull.


A Seagull landed nearby and Blondie turned her head, "So we meet again, Larry. Apparently you have a resurrection machine to bring you back to life."


The Seagull looked at her oddly.


Blondie pulled her gun fast and Larry the Seagull went poof in a burst of blood and white feathers.


Dan The Pelican settled down to snooze by her side.


Blondie smiled, "Sleep, my dear sweet Danny boy. Larry won't bother you anymore tonight. I'll try to find his Vampire Seagull lair tomorrow."


And with that said, this was just one of the many adventures of Blondie and Dan the Pelican.


Stay tuned next week when Blondie goes on a killing spree in Washington D.C and takes pictures of Dan the Pelican on the stone statue lap of Abraham Lincoln.


'Ooh', Blondie thought, 'He is going to be a Pelican model in Paris even if it kills me.'


The End. \ud83d\ude1c\ud83d\udd2b

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