The Cowboys Dilemma

"The Cowboy's Dilemma"

by: Wes Robert Ward

Cowboy Curtis runs up to the local town Doc who was chatting with an old Indian Medicine Man from the nearby Indian reservation, surprising them both.

Curtis cries, "Doc, Doc, ya gotta help me. I've got a huge problem and the problem is... I can't get huge."

Doc says, "Curtis, slow down. I don't understand."

Curtis replies bashful-like, "Ya know... it." He demonstrated with raising a finger and even went as far as to slide it in-between two fingers that made a hole in the middle.

Doc says, "I still don't understand."

The Old Indian replied, "White Man means erection. Like wild Coyote after dark crying sadly as his mate wags her tail while his pecker lays flat like dead roadkill."

"Exactly," Curtis snaps his fingers as he adds, "See even Cochise here knows what I be saying. Heck, Gerinomo's Sitting Bull probably don't sit at all as he looks at those half-naked Indian women out yonder."

The Old Indian nods, "Yes, unlike yours which is like Custer's Last Stand... pathetic."

"Why you..."

The Doc interupts him, "Curtis, I can not help you with that problem. I know I swear by my oath as a Doctor, but in this town of unwashed drunks and derelicts I do not go below the belt or above the kneecap especially after that incident with Bubba Joe Horton's red hot chili night."

The Old Indian sighs, "The horror, the horror."

Doc adds, "And it was the biggest line I ever saw for an old wooden outhouse. So bad, the Stable Boy who usually cleans it decided he rather go be Shanghai'ed in San Francisco instead then rode off. We had to eventually burn it. Do you know what that smelled like?"

The Old Indian nods, "A burning tepee full of pee and poo. Sadly, this I know to well."

"But Doc," cries Curtis, "I need to get it up real bad really soon cause Hop-A-Long Sally down by the No-Name Saloon is giving out a one dollar discount in honor of George Washington's Birthday."

Doc replied, "Sorry Curtis, I'll bandage you up if you get shot or if you fall off your horse. I'll stay by your bedside to cure you of any sickness. I'll even go as far as look at the blisters on your unclean feet... but I'll be darn tooten if I look at your junk and try to crank you up like a water pump."

"Ahhh Doc, ya killing me here."

Doc points his finger at him, "And besides you need to stay far and away from those saloon whores or you'll be catching something more serious if you catch my drift. Why look at that line over there at the back alley door for Syphilis Sue...oh for Heaven's sake there's even a Mule in line. I hate this town."

The Old Indian nodded, "Once was a young Indian Brave by name of Clap With Herpes... sad ending."

Curtis ignored the old Indian and said, "But Doc, ain't there anything ya can give me to give me like 15 to 20 minutes with Hop-A-Long over there?"

"Nope, not even an enema... and don't bother asking for one."

The Old Indian spoke, "White Man know this for I have come back from having my vision quest in the vast wilderness after smoking large amounts of peyote and also this green stuff this Mexican woman give me who's name was Mari Juanita, she even give me this white snow which I sniffed up my nose..."

"Okay..."

"...in my vision I saw a future like one we will never see. In this future I saw moving stage coaches with rubber wheels driven by no horses, I have seen flying birds of metal in sky, I have seen White Men go to Moon to probably bother Moon Indians and kill our Moon Buffalo, I have seen naked stage actresses do some naughty stuff on a steel pole, and I have seen the church of the future where everybody goes of every color... and it is called Chuck E' Cheese..."

"Snow up the nose you say, huh."

Doc did not comment.

"...and I have seen their medicine which will cure many of us. One that might interest you, White Man. A little blue pill that will keep you as hard as a totem pole for 4 hours straight."

Curtis replies with wonder, "Where be this future? Perhaps around the corner of Old Billy's Barn. Cause I can't wait to long for once she puts that closed sign on the front of her garters I know she's done for the night."

The Old Indian says, "It is 200 years in future, but be patient for a Wiseman once said all thing come to us in time. Pocahontas said the same thing about tampons."

"What in tarnation is a tampon?" Curtis said with some bewilderment then cried out, "200 years!!! I can't wait that long. I'll probably be buried up on Boot Hill and besides she'd be nothing but skull and bones, and what's the point. The meaty parts of a woman be the best parts... the brains and everything else can go with the tumbleweeds for all I care."

Doc replied, "They probably think the same of you too, Curtis... except only less."

Curtis turned to him and asked, "Ain't there anything now I can take to make me hump like General Robert E. Lee on Harriet Tubman in the middle of the Gettysburg battle field?"

"Nope, and please don't tell the kids by the school house that. History is messed up as is."

The Old Indian spoke, "White Man, there is something you can take and is more potent than this future little blue pill for this will keep you hard for six hours, but you will not like it."

"Hot Dog," laughed Curtis, "What is it? Tequila mixed with rotgut whiskey and horse piss cause I'd do it."

"No," said the Old Indian as he pointed towards the desert, "Go eat that whole six foot cactus, roots and all, then take the prickly needles of the plant and stick each one in your manhood and balls, for it will stimulate your sexual desire."

Curtis gulped as he looked at the cactus then back to the crazy old Indian, then Doc.

Doc said, "By all means, Curtis. I'm curious myself, but I'll let you go first."

The End. \ud83c\udf35